Welcome back to Cooking with Bwog. Bwog's resident chef is doing a one-week tour at a Navy mess hall, but in her absence we present a full Southern meal, a recipe that was handed down for generations after this week's chef's family had forfeited all its Southern roots by moving to New England in the 1920s. Enjoy now, y'hear?

Fried Okra

1 package okra (shoot for 3/4 lb)
about 1/4 cup white flour
Vegetable oil

Okra can be obtained at West Side Market. This is frankly unbelievable, seeing as it is currently early March. Don't take it for granted.

Okra gets a bad rap because most people haven't had it cooked correctly. In fact, the one true way to make okra is to fry it, ridding it of the goopiness that damages its reputation in soups. Chop the stub ends off each piece of okra (not the pointy ends, though, which are delicious) and discard them. Slice the okra into 1/4" thick pieces, lengthwise. Put it in a bowl with the flour, cover and shake.

Cover a medium-sized skillet with a thin layer of vegetable oil. Fry the floured okra until most of the oil has been soaked up, then for another 5-10 minutes until crispy and well-browned. Serve on a paper towel, for your arteries' sake.

Collards Pasta

1 bunch fresh collard greens
1/4 cup light olive oil (extra virgin will do in a pinch)
4 cloves garlic, chopped
2 tablespoons dried bell pepper flakes (dry on a plate in advance, or buy them in a jar)
2 dashes red wine vinegar
1/2 package each of spinach/egg fettuccine
Parmesan, salt and pepper to taste

Boil the fettuccine. (Hopefully you have a large pot.) While you're waiting, wash the collard greens and chop then up, including the stems, into pieces no bigger than an inch and a half across.

Put the garlic and pepper flakes into a pan with olive oil on high heat for ten seconds. Olive oil has low smoking and flash points; don't let it catch fire or start billowing smoke. If it does, turn the burner off, smother the flames, and call your mother to ask her to mail you some pre-cooked food.

Add the chopped collards to the pan. Keep them moving! Toss them constantly until they wilt visibly and are charred slightly around the edges. Throw the red wine vinegar in there. Don't be shy, it's delicious. Grate a bit of Parmesan over the top. Don't stop tossing the collards! Add the pasta, mix it and serve right away.

Thanks to the intrinsic awesomeness of fettuccine, this is also great as leftovers.

Vaguely Healthy Fried Chicken

1 package chicken parts, cut small (Shoot for 2 lbs.)
1 teaspoon ground rosemary (Bwog is allergic, but you go right ahead)
Several shakes of paprika
Several shakes of garlic powder
Even more several shakes of celery salt
Pinch of savory (don't go out of your way to buy savory, though)
1 heaping cup all-purpose flour

Mix the flour and spices in a big bowl. A good guideline for the spice mixture is that it should be an aesthetically pleasing, very subtle pink. Rinse off your chicken and drain it, then toss it around in the flour mixture until it's good and breaded.

In a large, thick-bottomed skillet, fry the chicken over medium heat. Make sure you use a nonstick skillet, or you're liable to lose the breading. Fry for about five minutes without disturbing it until it's golden, then flip it over and do five on the other side. If it's a pleasing color, cover the pan and let it simmer on lowish heat for 15-20 minutes. (Now's a good time to make garlic mashed potatoes.)

Remove the cover. For good measure, toss the chicken around on medium heat to get the sides nice and crispy, then serve it. Eating all of these at once provides 300% the USDA monthly requirement of flour and oil.