Okay QuickSpec - I know you're busy and that you've got a lot of work to do, but my friend, these headlines are supposed to be funny. Let's go through the stories sequentially and try a few different strategies:

You could reference current events:

Removing Cunningham from power was the easy part. But now who will govern GS?

or try Onion-style parody headlines:

"Nathaniel Rich Writes in Tongues," Leaves an Awful Mess

How about puns:

J-School alum is a Vatican, not a Vatican't

Or maybe just petty insults:

Poet rhymes 'for' with 'for', curses lack of rhyming dictionary

These aren't great jokes, they aren't even good jokes, but they are jokes, which distinguish this comment from QuickSpec

Your last one isn't even a joke though, because Sam Reisman rhymed "for" with "for" in order to mirror the structure of the original poem which he was parodying.

CONSIDER YOURSELF POEWNED

Tony Gong, Fu Bwog's Foundation Correspondent, made front page!!