Name, School: Jon Cioschi, Columbia College

Claim to fame: My great, great, great (I'm not sure how many greats, to be honest) uncle, Antonio Meucci, may or may not have actually invented the telephone. Alexander Graham Bell may or may not have stolen the designs from him and patented it before he could. Reason being, Meucci couldn't drum up the equivalent of something like $200 in today's dollars to realize the design. While it would have been nice to never have had to worry about money — which would have been the case if Meucci beat Bell to it, it's been so much fun to tell this story just for the reactions I've gotten. If you don't believe me, Wikipedia (aka the source of all truth and the only source of truth in the world) will tell you all about him, along with ardent Italian nationalists and spiteful Italian-Americans who are quite pissed that they can't claim to have been the cultural source of the foundation of modern telecommunications. Objective truths, I swear.

Post-grad plans: I'm now officially committed to work for the Man...(hattan) District Attorney's Office as a Paralegal in the Appeals Bureau for one year, beginning June 23^rd. After that, maybe I'll work there another year. And, after that, I hope to embark on, perhaps for the 1000^th time in world history, Che Guevara's motorcycle tour of South-Central-Latin America. And, after that, I will be heading to a yet-to-be-determined law school to begin my mission to become a poor lawyer in the service of social justice.

Preferred swim test stroke? Backstroke. I am afraid of keeping my head down in the water. I planned to take the test this morning, but I did not make it happen. Oh crap. I'm not gonna graduate if I don't do it soon.

What are three things you learned at Columbia?

Un: The overwhelming importance of doing whatever it is that gives meaning to your life from day to day — including, for me, building great relationships with friends, keeping an open mind by trying new things and pondering different ideas, and discovering and focusing on my passions.

Deux: That helping other people smile and feel good about themselves makes me happier than most anything in the world.

Trois: That I love learning more than I thought I ever could.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less.

This is a loaded one. Can I get back to you when I am on my deathbed? Any answer right now will be inadequate, for sure.

What was your favorite controversy in your time at Columbia?

Ahmadinejad's visit to campus. Seeing the student body mobilized for various reasons, witnessing and engaging in rigorous debate about some critical issues, and just plain watching the speech with my friends and hordes of students reminded me of just how excellent and valuable the opportunity to study here has been.

What Columbia memory best exemplifies your college experience?

Sophomore year, all of my best guy friends and I organized a ridiculous 21^st birthday party celebration for one of our buddies, which involved (a) renting a limo (mind you, about 14 of us went in on this, so it was dirt cheap), (b) surprising the birthday boy by picking him up after a birthday dinner with his family, (c) driving to Times Square and making him put on a ridiculous outfit in Times Square to which all of us contributed one article of clothing, (d) driving to the Brooklyn Bridge and walking to its precipice, and (e) rolling back uptown for drinks at Soundz Lounge, Harlem's finest.

This is my favorite memory, no doubt. And it definitely exemplifies my entire college experience — I haven't done anything here except that over and over again. How am I graduating, you ask? Well, hate to be hackneyed, but that's for me to know and for you find out.

Runner up: two time, Varsity participation in the Naked Run (What the hell happened to this amazing Columbia tradition?).

Which prof do you think would be the best kisser?

Haha. Great question. My answer will probably get me in trouble, which makes like the question even more. Hmm. Janakhi Bakhle — she's really passionate about what she teaches and skilful in the classroom, and, for some reason, I feel like that passion and skill would translate effectively into kissing. Wow, she's gonna change my grade to at least a C if she reads this. It's a compliment, Professor Bakhle, please don't be mad! BWOG made me do it!

What percentage of seniors do you think are virgins?

I'm inclined to say about 0%, considering all of the raucous orgies (and naked parties — thanks, Ann Coulter!), wild and incessant partying, and out-of-control drug-use that my peers have engaged in to my dismay for the past 4 years. Shame on you, CC '08.

Would you rather permanently give up oral sex or cheese?

Cheese. Hands, heads, and mouths down. Wow, that was dirty.

Days on Campus memory?

Coming out to the steps on a beautiful and sunny April day like this one and seeing tons of students hanging out and having a good time, and, realizing only 8 months later that days like these, regretfully, would be few and far between at Columbia.

Regrets?