Breaking CCSC/ESC/GSSC/SGA news in the form of new dark horse candidate Chas Carey, CC '08. Carey, running on the "Federalist Party" platform has decided to simultaneously run for presidency in all class councils. According to candidate Carey, his campaign is one of unification: "Class councils have long been powerless against the overwhelming might of Low Library, but if we yoke them together, we can scale the steps and crowthe people with Bollinger's wig," the statement read. You can read the full declaration of candidacy after the jump, including what will no doubt become a legendary campaign speech entitled "The Future Is Now; No, Now; No, Right Then; I Mean, Wait, Fuck"

EAST CAMPUS (AFP) -- In a self-described "impromptu press conference" on
the steps of the International Affairs Building at 8 AM, the Federalist
Party announced its intentions to run simultaneously for the presidencies
of all four student councils.

"I step down today as Editor-in-Chief of The Fed," said Chas Carey, CC'08,
clutching a tumbler of Bombay Sapphire, "to dedicate the remainder of my
Columbia career to a far nobler cause. Class councils have long been
powerless against the overwhelming might of Low Library, but if we yoke
them together, we can scale the steps and crown the people with Bollinger's
wig."

Carey accepted the newly-founded party's nomination for unified president,
with the remainder of the slate to be rounded out by "various upstanding
denizens" of the community. Concerns about his ineligibility to serve as a
graduating senior were assuaged by Carey's assurances that "I will rule by
decrees and terse memos, requiring very little time away from my future
career kissing babies and healing differences as a member of the Peace
Corps in Somalia."

Despite promises to run a "vaguely positive" campaign, Carey did not
hesitate to lash out at his presumptive rivals from the Jester. "They have
yet to field a slate of candidates," said Carey, sneering. "We would gladly
challenge them to a series of debates, but we would be left debating an
empty podium. That, my friends, is a debate we could probably win."

Asked by a passing heckler whether his candidacy would espouse populist
claims, Carey responded, "your mom's a populist."
---
FULL TEXT: "The Future Is Now; No, Now; No, Right Then; I Mean, Wait, Fuck"

Fellow Columbians, thank you for enduring this impromptu press conference.
I choose to speak to you today because the time has come for change. I
refer you to the inspiring words of Barack Obama (Class of 1983): "I have a
dream of the fierce urgency of now on the mountaintop of hope." That dream
is realized today, in the future. By the future, I mean now, which is, as I
speak, already the past, but already conjured in my mind as the future
before I speak these words and consign them to the past. Looking towards
the future.

Let me begin again. Fellow Columbians, I step down today as Editor-in-Chief
of The Fed to dedicate the remainder of my Columbia career to a far nobler
cause. Class councils have long been powerless against the overwhelming
might of Low Library, but if we yoke them together, we can scale the steps
and crown the people with Bollinger's wig.

To that end, I am running for the presidency of all four student councils,
simultaneously, as the nominee from the Federalist Party. I hope to
continue in the footsteps of those iconic Columbians and authors of the
Federalist Papers, Messrs Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, and James Taylor.

The Federalist Party's slate of candidates, which will feature various
upstanding denizens from Columbia's community, is committed to a level of
capriciousness disguised by sloganeering on a scale not seen since George
Rupp. The "I am Light Blue" campaign will pale by comparison.

The campaign will not be easy. Some may fear right from the outset that my
status as a graduating senior will leave me ineligible for the presidency.
Let me reassure you that I will rule by decrees and terse memos, requiring
very little time away from my future career kissing babies and healing
differences as a member of the Peace Corps in Somalia. Still others may
worry about a man as president of Barnard's student government. Let me
promise you that I am in touch with my emotions and all those things girls
complain about. And I can extend a carefully-gloved hand of friendship to
both the whimsical gap-year students and the creepy old men of the School
of General Studies.

This campaign will carry a vaguely positive air, sullied by dastardly
YouTube screeds created and proliferated by anonymous surrogates. But I
would be remiss if I did not mention our rivals, the so-called "Jester."
Their feeble mantras and insider connections to Big Oil will not help them
this time. They have yet to field a slate of candidates. We would gladly
challenge them to a series of debates, but we would be left debating an
empty podium. That, my friends, is a debate we could probably win.

In our victory, our resolve will be firm, and we will prove our commitment
to sound fiscal policy by cutting the Jester's budget to zero dollars.
Special interests and the chattering classes need not fear, however: we
will use the windfall from our new budget to forgive the debt of the Blue
and White.

The Fed is entering a new era. They are restarting the paper, with humor
and excitement, fueled by a wonderful new staff, and I would encourage you
to fill the void left by my corrupt personage's departure by attending the
meetings of the all-new newspaper on Sundays at 2 PM in the Lerner Club
Space on the fifth floor to write funny articles in good company (with
snacks and dialogue/diatribes) or pick up a few posters for the Federalist
Party to flyer in flagrant violation of election commission rules, thereby
allowing us plausible deniability.

It is a new day. Es un nuevo dia. Tenemos mi tocina? No? Si? Que me
importa! The future is now. Now is the future. Change is our policy, and we
will be both ready and right on Day One in order to make it to at least Day
Three without getting impeached.

Thank you for your time.

Chas Carey CC'08
Candidate for President (CCSC, ESC, SGA, GSSC)