RASH DECISIONS

Like all warriors, RAs must train for battle. This involves push-ups, suicide drills, and rigorous community building exercises. In one drill called "Behind Closed Doors," students navigate Shapiro's halls, arriving at rooms where "something is going on" and they must respond with appropriate force. One RA reports:

"I walked into a room and there, under the bed, was a second year RA pretending to have a nasty rash. He kept lifting up his shirt, shrieking, 'Do you want to see it?' and rubbing Neosporin on himself. He refused to come out from under the bed..."

Friends, if this is the standard to which ResLife holds us, we are obligated to meet it.

---

In what must be the most glaring harbinger of doom for first-years, the following sign was affixed to the door of the Lerner computer lab:

"We will be closed for cleaning between 4 a.m. and 5 a.m. We're sorry for the inconvenience."

---

Overheard at a yearbook staff meeting:

Girl: I have an idea for groups that don't send us pictures. Why don't we just put in pictures of cute animals instead?

Guy: Why don't we just put pictures of ourselves posing in place of the group?

---

BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

Email to CUIT admin team, not taken out of context:

"Please remove [redacted]'s access to the Religion department and replace with access to Physics."

---

TUTELA VALUI

In the endless quest to discover the hallowed ground on which famous Columbians lived (Tony Kushner got it on in Furnald!) there is news. A Harvard student interning in the city this summer stayed in Edward Said's former Riverside Drive apartment. The Nation reports: it has "sweeping views of the Hudson." She reports: "the windows are made of bulletproof glass!"

---

A class of 2007 graduate recently inquired as to how he might keep old emails on his CubMail account, which he had been told would soon become void. He received the following notice in reply:

"Subject: Re: Your Email ID Will Expire Soon!

To keep your Columbia account, you will need to enroll in another course at Columbia or become employed at Columbia.

[Name]

Technology Services Technician

CUIT Client Services"

How about employment as a Technology Services Technician? Seems like a job no one's doing.

---

PRIDE, PROFESSIONALISM, SERVICE

Public Safety has ushered in the school year with a new educational video for first-years. In the "film" a crafty incoming freshman plots all the ways he will steal valuables from other students. In one scene he snatches an unattended laptop in Butler. In another, he convinces a student to sign him into EC, claiming he's "meeting a friend." In reality, he combs the halls, filching iPods and cell phones. In each scene, the blame rests with the idiot who left his laptop, or the dolt who signed in a stranger, with the message being: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

Finally, the camera zooms in to show him in a room with a very drunk girl who's protesting his advances. He locks the door and, smiling at the camera, says, "I'm going to give her a good old college try."

"They didn't think this through," sighed one RA. The clip insinuating it's the girl's fault that she's about to be violated has since been pulled and will not be shown to freshman.

---

COLUMBIAN PSYCHO

Overheard, in front of Starbucks:

Man on cell phone: "If you do that I'm going to take this conversation off the record so fast your attorney will get whiplash."

---

PEST PRECEDENT

Legal blog Above the Law breathlessly reported in July that Columbia Law School students' dorms had been infested with bedbugs, apparently from the high-end firm Cravath, Swaine, and Moore.

They're creepy, they're crawly... and now they have bedbugs.

---

WELL, ASTORIA IS KIND OF LIKE ANKARA...

Overheard, two graduate students on College Walk, making conversation about summer travel grants.

Male, overly earnest, with an undertone of pity: "You're awesome."

Female, less earnest, more pitying: "No, you're awesome!"

Male: "We're both awesome." [Pause, sigh.]

"Yay for waitlists!"

---

Girl, picking up a huge bouquet at the front desk of a dorm: "Oh, are these from Bill? I hate him."

Her friend: "No you don't."

Girl: "Yeah, I totally want him."

---

A Blue & White staffer bid farewell to her coworker in the neighboring cubicle at her internship in Washington, D.C. This was the coworker she knew best, her bosom friend.

B&W Staffer: Well, I'm off. Back to New York.

Co-worker: New York? I thought you went to Harvard.

Staffer: No. Columbia. I go to Columbia.

Co-worker: Oh. [Blinks.] Ohhhhh.

B&W: Yeah. Columbia. Not Harvard.

[Co-worker nods knowingly.]

---

Columbia... it's Yale!

THE AUDACITY OF HOPE

Overhead in the Dodge women's locker room:

"I just watch The L Word and hope for the best."

---

As final exam season gets into swing, we offer the following anecdote from one of our embedded Butler correspondents:

"Two grown men were fighting over a seat in 402 Butler Saturday night. Saddest thing I've ever seen. It was really only verbal, although one did grab the other at one point. There was some yelling and disruption. Security was called.

One guy had his stuff at a desk and left and while he was gone, the other man sat down at the desk. When the guy came back he got super pissed and refused to take his stuff or leave or let it go."

Starting May 15th, the staff of The Blue and White will be ringing a gong for all those deceased in similar altercations.

---

Two girls wearing skinny jeans are sitting near the sundial. One plays her guitar and sings the following ditty:

"You drink so much PBR,
While playing your bass guitar.
You take the L train everyday,
I still don't know if you are gay."

A crowd of young men wearing cardigans and colorful sneakers had formed a crowd around the pair. "Are they talking about us?" asked one, taking a drag of his hand-rolled cigarette. "No, probably some hipsters," said another.

---

From an e-mail sent by Professor Matthew Jones to his Renaissance history class:

"I fear that I must cancel all of my appointments and the lecture tonight. I had to go to the ER yesterday and still have, alas, a raging infection and high fever. It is beyond lame, as a famous bard once put it."

Marlowe would have proffered "totes wack," while Spenser preferred "bereft of kickass-ness."

---

LA RECHERCE DU THESES PERDU

English Department adviser Michael Mallick sent the following stern message to senior honors applicants:

"It seem quite a number of you—this year's senior essayists—did not follow the instructions clearly set out with regard to the distribution of your final essay... In the past couple of days, as many as half of the essay sponsors arrived in 602 telling us they never received a copy of their sponsee's essay... I urge you to act immediately. I further urge you not to email me—I am merely relaying a message on behalf of a number of perplexed faculty. I do not have the time to respond to individual protestations, rationalizations, fantastic explanations, and the like... I am acting solely now as a messenger, not a judge, nor am I an arbitrator... I'd save the breath and act fast instead."

---

THAT WARM, FAMILY FEELING

Overheard, women's bathroom on the ground floor of Butler:

A girl is in the stall, on the phone with one of her parents:
"Yeah, I'll do it when I come home for Passover. Yeah."
[She starts to pee, loudly.]
"No, I'm not peeing! I wouldn't do that on the phone with you!" [Laughs nervously.]

[Another bathroom occupant turns on the faucet.]
"Yeah, that's the sink. I'm... in the kitchen. Of my suite... I'm washing a carrot."

---

GAYS ON CAMPUS

Overheard, Days on Campus activities fair:

Women's basketball coach, setting up her own table, glances down the row to the rainbow-festooned display of the Columbia Queer Alliance. She exclaims with enthusiasm,

"We're pretty gay here too!"

---

Overheard near West Side Market:
Girl clinging to her boyfriend: "This is pretty nice for Harlem!"

---

A girl and her father are talking on Broadway in heavy upper class English accents.

Girl: "Daddy, stop! I'll consider coming to Columbia if you buy me a sweatshirt with a lion on it."

---

PRE-MED VS. PRE-GAME

One Thursday night, during an 8:15 p.m. Deborah Mowshowitz biology class, 50 frantic students were taking an exam in a classrooms in Math.

Teaching Assistant: "Excuse me, may I have your attention please. We're going to need to move the exam to another room."

Another TA: "Yes, this room was reserved for the Bartending Agency. We're moving to Havemeyer."

Student: "What the hell? Why can't they go to Havemeyer since we're already here and taking a test!?"

TA: "Apparently they have a lot of alcohol."

And the exam-taking biology students were ushered 100 feet away to Havemeyer, passing through a gauntlet of giddy, heckling bartending students waiting to enter the Math classroom.l

---

Barnard French professor to academic:

"The catastrophe of Bordieu was that they marketed him. So all these people said, look here's this French guy who's a philosopher and an intellectual—he must be right!"

No, Simon Schama is British.

---

A group of pre-schoolers are walking down 115th towards Riverside with two caretakers. One little boy points to a sign on a brownstone.

Little boy: What does that say?
Caretaker: Korean Methodist Church and Institute.
Little boy: Oh, so it's a Chinese church?
Caretaker: Yup.

---

Barnard Class Day... it's the 1927 Yankees!

Tipster Jenny Lam has good news for fans of Freaks and Geeks and Spider-Man:

"Stalkers, plan accordingly: I was at the Whitney Museum administrative offices for an internship interview this afternoon. I'm signing in at the security desk, only to look up and see "JAMES FRANCO" written above my name. I turn around, and, sure enough, a scruffy-looking Harry Osbourne is being introduced to a Whitney employee by a British girl, and his hair is a nice shade of bottle blond (orange, rather). As I'm waiting for security to contact my interviewer, I hear JFranc say that he's enrolled at the Columbia MFA Writing Program for Fall 2008, and he'll be taking classes at Tisch as well."

Another tipster tells us that Teh Internets are already all atwitter at the news, at least over on oldschool Livejournal community/celebrity gossip blog Oh No They Didn't. Some highlights from the comment thread on their post (which, incidentally, appears also to have been written by Lam):

"lolz poor dood he's going to get stalked by creepy people omg
but omg jelisss celebrity sightings"

"I might be doing the summer drama program and Tisch. LOLOLOL I'm going to eat his face off."

"I would pound that like maize"

THE NARCISSISM OF SMALL DIFFERENCES

Overheard on campus:

"It's not so much that I'm pro-choice as I am anti-baby."

---

Last week's Transportation Engineering class met at a Rockland County mall over an hour away from New York, so naturally no one showed up. But Professor Daniel Peterson had required everyone to email an RSVP, and followed up by opening the class by announcing everyone's excuses:

Professor Peterson: "You! How was the school play?"

Student: "Um, excellent, actually!"

Peterson: "I'm glad to hear it! And you, did you get your lacrosse team together in time for the big game!"

Student: (fifteen second pause) "Yes."

---

DO THE RIGHT THING

Overheard in Butler Café, two girls talking to each other toward the back of the long line:

Girl 1: "Oh my god I am so excited for this chai latte. Like, I really need it."

(Girl 2 nods emphatically in agreement)

Girl 1: "But I never know whether to get the small or the medium."

Girl 2: "I mean, do what you think is right."

(Both pause to study the Blue Java menu intensely)

Girl 2: "There's only a 10 cent difference between the small and the medium, so you should definitely splurge!"

The small is listed as $2.85, while the medium is $2.90.

---

From a recent CCSC email from President Diamond:

"Do you want to be respected? Do you want the power to book spaces? Do you want to enlighten other?"

...and later, from that same email:

"Midterms destroy everything that is relaxed in your body!"

Subaltern seeks ability to speak, massage.

---

A man on campus, speaking into his cell phone:

"What, did she like hit clear on all the SAS programming?"

[long pause]

"Dude that sucks... I guess just tell her to wear shorter skirts to work or something.

Yeah man, okay, peace."

[He hangs up]

Who says women don't have the self-esteem to compete in science-related fields?

---

Male (flirtatiously): Yeah, Ritalin makes me jittery and Adderall just stops working!

Female: Yeah, because you have to keep increasing it.

M: I basically just stalled at two in the afternoon during study week.

F (leaning in): So where did you get the Adderall?

M: Psych Services.

F: Really? 'Cause my friend went there and they just wouldn't give him any!

M: Yeah, I had to go through some testing. [Pause] I'm really OCD too.

The following email advertising Senior Night was sent to all Columbia College seniors:

"Senior Night tonight at the West End (..still refuse to call it Havana Central)

They are giving out Becks glasses, Anheuser hats, and Miller Light keychains.

See you later"

Entirely futile CCSC correspondence, as everyone worth his weight in promotional Bud Light fuzzy dice knows most seniors won't leave their dorms for anything less than a novelty PBR inflatable saxophone.

---

During a demonstration of the movement of iron filaments on a projector screen under the influence of a magnet, Professor Parsons, who teaches the Intro to Electricity and Magnetism course, decided to pick up where Psych Services left off.

Parsons: What do you see?

[he gestures at the design on the wall. The class is silent.]

Parsons: Anyone done psychotherapy recently? Do you see your parents? Are they arguing?

[pause, then class laughs nervously]

---

Go Ask Alice!, Columbia's online health and sexuality forum, recently moved offices. During the relocation, one employee recorded the following list of sexual accoutrement and sterilized goods that were left in their wake:

Inflatable microphone
Condom shaped hats
Cotton pads for removing makeup
A book called Rape, Rape, Rape, Rape
Tripods: about 15 of them.
Playdough
"Little Airport" sticker book
A CD with the caption: "Bridging the gap between the leather bar and your bedroom!"

---

The BWGossip alias recently received an email from Chancellor Arnold Eisen announcing a contest to compose the official song of the Jewish Theological Seminary. After detailing the guidelines of the contest—"any lyrics must include both Hebrew and English" — Chancellor Eisen wished students luck and signed the email:

"Warmly
arnold eisen signature 2
Chancellor Arnold Eisen"

Because "arnold eisen signature 1" would have been completely inappropriate.

---

A student on his cell phone standing in Butler, just outside of room 210. He stands and waits as the call goes to voicemail. He leaves the following message:

"Yo. My sister shaved her head. Her head. Later man, peace."

Later, bro.

---

A Monthly Pop Culture Review with the Columbia Games Club:

Gamer Male 1: "I drink your milkshake!"

Gamer Male 2 (completely incredulous): "What's that from?!"

GM 1: "I think it's from a fad comedy show."

Join us next month as the Games Club (incorrectly) references Old School, Googles "LOLCats." D&D may never be the same.

Ten minutes later:

Gamer 1: "Fuck seagulls."

Gamer 2: "Yeah! Fuck 'em!"

---

Deluxe... it's what's for dinner!

Subject: PSYC X1001.004-Class Cancellation

Dearest Students-

I sincerely regret that I will need to cancel class tomorrow. On Sunday night I pulled my back at a Superbowl party while jumping up and down in total disgust over the Patriots' pathetic loss to the Giants (true story). I'm stuck in Boston (a city in mourning) lying on my back for one more day. Congrats to all Giants fans, they played an awesome game!

Sincerely,

[Redacted]

(This message is associated with INTRODUCTION TO PSYCHOLOGY)

---

From Winnie Varghese, the Episcopalian Chaplain, to the Canterbury-following students of its email list:

"I leave for Quito, Ecuador, Saturday at 5.30 a.m. for the meeting of the Executive Council of the Episcopal Church. Quito is 9,300 feet above sea level. We will need your prayers."

---

A B&W editor recently encountered a crowd of about ten girls gathered outside Famous Famiglia Pizza on 110^th and Broadway. Eager to join, the editor noticed two cameramen and zaftig Sherri Shepherd, co-host of The View.

"I wasn't happy with that take," the Star Jones replacement declared. She was met with vigorous agreement from the cameramen and blind admiration from the impromptu audience, which she did her best to ignore. She commenced one more take, "New Yorkers LOVE their pizza. So I came here to learn how to [claps hands] roll the dough!" She then flung herself dramatically into the pizzeria.

She repeated her credo five times or so, each time telling the cameramen, "I just don't know. I don't know if that was it." They nodded assuredly, and when she finally was happy with a take, the younger of the two declared, "That was money!" The crowd dispersed, and Ms. Shepherd and her crew hopped into an idling black car.

---

Overheard at a hair salon on Hester Street in Chinatown:

Hipster: "So I want it to stay kind of shaggy like this, but still have some shape."

Barber: "So, maybe a little bit preppy."

Hipster: "Well, not so much preppy as Brooklyn. More Williamsburg than the Lower East Side, more Greenpoint than Williamsburg."

We shudder to think what the Morningside Heights would be.

---

SUBSTANDARD DEVIATIONS

The following email has not been truncated or edited in any way:

"Subject: STAT W1001.001

You may find the following link from Wikipedia helpful.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Correlation_is_not_causation

(This message is associated with INTRO TO STATISTICAL REASONING)"

---

BACK FROM VACATION... AND YET, NOT SO

Painting professor Elsie Hill warned her students against amorous advances: "The problem with a professor hooking up with his students is that someone will get jealous!"

Over in Schermerhorn, Byzantine art professor Holger Klein was asked which Democratic presidential candidate he preferred: "Well, it depends... Because sometimes I feel black, and sometimes I feel female."

Klein is neither black nor female.

Meanwhile, Bernie Salanie was boring students to tears. After the eleventh student left his Microeconomics lecture one late afternoon, the laissez-faire Frenchman looked a fleeing student square in the face as he made a dash for the door:

Salanie: "Why is everyone leaving today?"

(Student shrugs and beats a hasty retreat.)

Other student: "Maybe you should shut the door."

Salanie, wistfully: "No, I believe in free markets... open doors."

And finally, a stunning a display of fear and self-loathing up at the School of Social Work, where a Finnish graduate student disabused him of any illusions about his qualifications for teaching "Introduction to Statistical Reasoning."

"Do not call me Professor [crosses out 'PROFESSOR,' which was written on blackboard], as I am not a professor. This is inaccurate. Do not call me Doctor [crosses out 'DR.,' same deal], as I have not yet earned my doctorate. This is a sore subject. If you must call me by a title, you may call me 'Teacher' [writes 'TEACHER' on board]... though that is unwieldy."

---

NORTHROP HUMANITIES

Art Hum teacher: "So what do you all consider a masterpiece?"

(long pause)

Art Hum teacher: "Is the Mona Lisa a masterpiece?"

(lengthy pause)

Random student: "Yo, she ugly!"

Art Hum teacher: "Any other... opinions?"

Jeffrey Hunter Northrop II, famed for autoportraits of his abdominal muscles: "I mean yes, she is ugly, but could the painting still be a masterpiece?"

---

With the mad-rush for course books, the staff of Book Culture (née Labyrinth) has been taking to the bottle. It takes a regular bibliophile—such as a B&W editor—to catch these shop-girls and -boys in their mating rituals. The following scene transpired earlier this month:

Drunk Male Cashier, to editor: Have you found everything you needed?

B&W editor replies in the affirmative.

Female Cashier (nursing a Brooklyn Lager): Oh you're so polite to customers.

DMC: That's because they don't like Billy Collins.

FC: Whatever, Billy Collins wrote some amazing poems with beautiful complex imagery.

DMC: Yeah, I'm not so sure about that "beautiful, complex imagery."

FC: Oh, so you've read every poem he's ever written?

DMC: I've read three of his poems--

FC: Oh, so you're an expert--

DMC: --and they all suck.

FC: Whatever, just because it's not Ulysses...

---

Overheard at a meeting of the editorial board of the Columbia Journal of Politics and Society:

"Obama is the argument!"

---

Love... it's a girl thing!

NEVERMORE

TempTime, the Center for Career Education's cesspool of odd jobs for broke college students, featured the following post by "Lenore":

DESCRIPTION: Need someone honest, reliable and QUIET to sit in my apartment while I run errands. You can't leave the apartment for ANY REASON or open the door to anyone. You can read, watch tv, listen to the radio, use the frig, but you cannot touch my papers, or use my phone and would prefer someone who won't be on their cell phone all day. Prefer people who can sit from 9 to 5pm a few times a week (it could be once, depending on how many acceptable replies there are).

QUALIFICATIONS: Honest, reliable, QUIET, studious. Leave me a msg on my cell with your number.

DURATION: Weekdays 9 to 5pm, give or take an hour.

COMPENSATION: $4 per hour

Disturbed yet intrigued, The Blue and White called Lenore and heard the following tale: She suspects her superintendent's wife of sneaking into her apartment and "moving things around." Cell phone calls are strictly verboten because if that alleged furniture-mover pops in, Lenore wants her employee to seem like a friend, not a below-minimum-wage spy.

We don't know who's more likely to murder us: Lenore or the landlady.

---

SOY AWKWARD

A Columbia student was teaching young female elementary schoolers about nutrition at P.S. 125 for the "FitNut" program. In a conversation about healthy food choices, the following exchange occurred:

Columbia student: "So does anyone know what soy milk is? It tastes like milk, but it comes from beans."

P.S. 125 student: "Hold the phone: beans has titties?"

---

WE SMELL SEX AND BAGELS

Overheard in Nussbaum & Wu:

Guy: You've seen these jeans before.
Girl: I've never seen those jeans before.
Guy: You've pulled these jeans... off my body before.

---

DEPT. OF CHARLATANISM

Overheard outside of Ferris Booth:

"I was going to major in Econ, but I've decided to major in, like, Spanish and Sociology. They're both fake majors, but they, like, add up to one real one."

---

Three girls are walking from Barnard to Columbia, talking about Manhattanville.

Girl 1: So yeah, Columbia's going to take over Harlem with eminent domain.
Girl 2: OH MY GOD. NO.
Girl 3: Wait, what's imminent domain?
Girl 2: It's like, if you had a cookie and I just grabbed your cookie and like, wouldn't give it back.

For so long, the Harlem community has been seeking a metaphor that would embody their struggle against the 400-ton gorilla. And here it is.

---

Late one Friday night, The Blue and White listserv received the following email:

"hi,

I am a fulbright student at Parsons doing my masters in Photography. I apologise for this unsolicited email. I started this fall and I am working on a project where I need a volunteer who sports a beard. I have asked around as many people as I could but havent made any headway. Any pakistani/indian/bangladeshi/mexican/south american/middle eastern person will do. I badly need that help for my project. Since we dont have an MSA at the New School, I didnt know who else to write to. Your help will be really appreciate. Would be eagerly awaiting your reply."

Unfortunately, we were unable to help, but if anyone's looking for an adorable redheaded Catholic boy, we have one of those!

---

Overheard in Upstate New York:

"I have a shotgun. I eat at the Waffle House and I have a shotgun at home!"

But do you have a side of hamsteak?

---

The Blue and White's recent popularity among the silicone and Jaegermeister set (refer to last month's gossip about casting for A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila) prompted an email from Ted Newsom, a features editor at Hustler magazine. Newsom must be a bit short on ideas, as he enlisted help from our editors in drafting Columbia-related content for his next issue:

"Two thoughts occurred to me, though both of you are undoubtedly more on top of the current stuff than me: Matt Sanchez, and the president of Iran. Not that there's any connection.

To the former—I've read (and always suspected) that the supposed 'baby-killer' stories were made up from the whole cloth. That's the sort of stories which were floated when I was in the service (72-75) and I know of only one incident that I heard first-hand, otherwise it was all eighth-hand legend. Given Mr. Sanchez' fudging (pardon) about other aspects of his life, I'd suspect the entire story was nonsense.

As to the Iranian honcho speaking—I'll defer to you."

Curious—we always thought our publication was more TNR than T&A.

---

Overheard at the Hungarian Pastry Shop:

Guy to girl: "Yeah, he's really cool. He's the first atheist, anti-Zionist I've met. Then I realized that's just Marxist."

Then she realized she was talking about isms at the Hungarian and imploded.

---

Kulawik... it's missing!

Editor-abroad Brendan Ballou sends the following gossip from Cambridge:

Outside a little English cemetery in a little English town, hangs the following sign:

"We hope you enjoy your time here."

---

Professor Michael Seidel, during his Beckett/Nabokov Seminar:

"I'm gonna whip out a theory at the start. I mean, I don't mean a real theory. I don't have theories that are theories, like real theories. When I say theories, I mean cockamamie, bad ideas."

C'mon, Siedel! "Der-ri-da. Light of my life, fire of my loins."

---

On Halloween weekend, two girls in costume were waiting in the mad, mad line to enter East Campus (as two men in Mexican wrestling garb duked it out in front of the crowd):

Girl 1: "What are you dressed up to be?"

Girl 2 (wearing a cheap, frizzy blonde wig and a dress that resembled Dorothy's from The Wizard of Oz): "Oh, I'm Courtney Love."

[brief awkward pause]

Girl 2: "Yeah...I think once I get the pills and the beer in a brown paper bag, it'll be good."

---

Earlier this month, the TAs in Xavier Sala-I-Martin's macroeconomics class discovered a small-scale cheating scandal. In an strongly but strangely worded email, one of them admonished the class, recognized students' right to skip lectures, and reasserted their belief in the TA's own infallibility.

It is reproduced below, in abbreviated form:

Subject: Does it really worthy it?

I'm sad that we need to bring this to all of you, but we want you to know that we will not tolerate dishonesty in such a high degree as have been detect in the class. We detected cases of people stealing others problem sets and put their names before and after they were graded. Note that this goes far beyond cheating, it's stealing!

This is a serious crime.

Thus, for those who know what I'm talking about, you should think if this really worth it. If you don't want to do a problem set, it's ok. You have all the right not to do it. And in the end, it does not make a huge difference on your final grade.

But don't try to mislead us. From now on, if you want to hand in your PS, you need to come to the beginning of the class. You don't need to stay if you don't want. Drop your PS and leave. No late problem sets are accepted as well. One last thing, we do keep track of people that didn't hand in the PS. If your PS is not in the box, you didn't hand it in. TAs hardly loose problem sets. So don't try to make a fool of us.

---

One hour after the official start of Hunger Strike '07, members of the Freshman Class Council stood on College Walk passing out tasty vittles, free of charge. In exuberant voices, they yelled: "Free pastries and hot chocolate! Free hot chocolate and pastries!" A Blue and White Staffer approached for a frothy cup.

B&W: "What's this all about?"

Freshman Rep: "We're in a good mood."

B&W: "You know the hunger strike's going on, right?"

Freshman Rep: "Yeah, but we've had this planned for weeks. They just sort of showed up."

The next day, our B&W staffer passed by again, only to find that a campus theater group had set up a bake sale even closer to the striker's tents.

Next in the administration's covert plan to break the strikers' wills: a full spread, brought to you by Columbia Catering.

---

Late one night at the end of September, the second-floor men's bathroom in Butler was temporarily shut down. A sign on the door read:

This piece of equipment is temporarily OUT OF SERVICE. Please use another terminal or printer.

Campus females were shocked to learn that those things on the walls are actually word processors.

---

Overheard in front of the Condé Nast building:

Woman approaches another with a tiny dog in a purse. "Oh my god is this your dog? I haven't met him yet! Does he work at Glamour too?"

---

OVERHEARD AT PINKBERRY: OUT OF AFRICA

An expensive-looking M'side woman in her 60s—clearly a novice—walks up to the register.

Woman: "Now what's a pinkberry?"

Manager: "Hi ma'am, welcome to Pinkberry. There's actually no such thing as a 'pinkberry,' it's just the name of our company."

Woman: "No, it's something..."

Manager: "We have plenty of other lovely berries. Raspberries, strawberries, any kind of berries—just no pinkberries." (Manager starts to snicker a bit to his female co-worker)

Woman: "Pinkberries are real. I think they're from Africa." (At this point, the two employees—who happen to be black—can barely contain their laughter.)

The woman leans over to the man and whispers "I think we'd know."

Manager: "Can I get you anything?"

---

Overheard in Lerner, with no context:

"Living in Carman is like hitting the jackpot!"

---

Early one morning, as the sun rose over Wien, a foul stench crept down the hallway of floor 5, rudely awakening one B&W writer. She gingerly left her room, each step taken in the economy of fear. Before her, lay the remains of a very dead chicken—its feathers strewn about, its innards still attached to those feathers. Flecks of dried blood and chicken were stuck to the carpet. Was it fowl play? The once-live chicken, she suspected, had sloughed off its mortal coil at a fraternity initiation; the body has not been found, and the perpetrators have not been identified.

Despite circumstantial evidence, including backpacks full of bricks, combat boots, and oversized black sweatshirts, there appears to be a lack of pollus corpus.

---

On the Student Services course listings, the titles of classes are often shortened or abbreviated to ensure that they fit on a single line. One English lecture this semester:

STDS IN THE 18TH CENTURY NOVEL

The Blue and White signed up, hoping the subject matter was more de Sade than demure.

---

A few weeks ago, The Blue and White received, for utterly inexplicable reasons, the following email:

"Subject: Season 2 of MTV's #1 Rated Show: "A Shot at Love" Wants Bard Students!

Season 2 of MTV's smash-hit reality dating show "A Shot At Love" is presently casting its second season. If you are at least 21 years old and have the sex appeal, heart and spirit to win the love our NEW Bi-Bachelorette, then we want to hear from you!"

You know what they say about Bard kids. By and large, they're bi and large.

---

Barnard...it's less controversial than the Hunger Strike!

At 6:40 PM on a school night, a guy with headphones walked into a second floor reading room in Butler and sat down across from a girl very focused on her reading.

In an apparent attempt to initiate some old-fashioned stacks action, the young Don Juan tried a compliment. "Your calculator's cool!" he said in his most seductive voice. His music, however, blared too loudly in his ears, and he ended up shouting loud enough to disturb everyone in the room.

The female student, unperturbed, looked up and gave her harsh reply. "Shhh!"

The formula of love apparently eludes even a TI-83.

---

IF EXCLAMATION POINTS WERE DOLLARS

From a school-wide email sent by CCSC president Michelle Diamond:
"4. DO YOU LIKE GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES?? DO YOU WANT TO HELP END WORLD HUNGER??

Feel Good CU invites everyone to join us on our OPENING DAY in JJ's Place, this Sunday September 23rd from 4:00pm til' midnight! Feel Good is a group of grillers, a conglomerate of chefs if you will, serving up melted Grilled Cheese goodness to solve world hunger.

How, you may ask? All proceeds from the grilled cheese sandwiches we sell will be donated to the World Hunger Project!!! So come to JJ's Place! Eat some grilled cheese! And FEEL GOOD Columbia! (We will be selling in JJ's every Sunday from 4 to midnight and every Wednesday from 8 to midnight....so even if you can't make it to the opening day, be sure to stop by!)"

---

Overheard outside the Apple computer store on 59th Street:

Middle-aged man to his middle-aged wife: "You know, just because you're buying me an iPhone doesn't mean I'm going to put out for you."

What about a Blackberry?

---

DOES THIS HEADBAND LOOK NEOCON TO YOU?

The College Republicans recently staged a free pizza event on Low Plaza to attract new recruits. Two lefty-looking girls were seen mooching, looking guilty.

Girl 1: So, we met at Bible camp, okay?
Girl 2: And we hate sodomites. And welfare.
A Business School student on his cell on College Walk:

---

"I don't want to go if I don't have floor seating. It's Bon-fucking-Jovi, man. I want to rock!"

---

AH, YOUNG LOVE IN BLOOM

A freshman couple walked through the doors of Lerner, the boy slightly behind the girl.

Boy: (in a harsh, demeaning tone): "That skirt is totally riding up. I can see your whole ass!"

Girl (Shoots him a murderous glance, is quiet for a second, then speaks, very seriously): "Maybe we shouldn't have come to college together."

The Gossip Girl books are ludicrous preteen-girl fantasies marketed by Alloy, a tween clothing catalog. But who are we to judge quality? We are CW viewers. The TV show spin-off of Gossip Girl is The O.C. creator/executive producer Josh Schwartz's newest foray into the world of teen melodrama. With the onset of The O.C. and Laguna Beach, television has entered a world where money is no concern and high school girls have sex and drink while strutting around in Marc Jacobs heels. Unlike the previous two series, less class-conscious shows, Gossip Girl is set in the front lines of the class struggle between the rich and the super-rich. Bwog trash correspondents Lucy Tang and Dan D'Addario present a round-up of what you've missed so far in the first two episodes.

Most Likely to Receive Financial Aid
The Humprey Family ("I'm not trash. I'm from Brooklyn!"). The Humprey father owns a "crappy" art gallery and the family lives in a loft in Williamsburg, but they're really poor.

Best Personality
Chuck, who, in the first two episodes, has tried to rape two of the show's female leads, engaged in a threesome with two of his father's employees, tried to beat the crap out of Dan "Williamsburg P.O.V." Humphrey, all while wearing a disgusting patchwork scarf.

Least Realistic Aspect of the show
The Humprey's humble abode. First of all, the aerial shots are of DUMBO, not Williamsburg (get your facts right, Josh Schwartz). Second of all, poor people live in Williamsburg lofts now?

Least Realistic Scene
Dan jumping into a cab and telling the driver, "Williamsburg!" It's near to impossible to get a cab to Williamsburg in Manhattan; maybe the scene where Dan is furiously haggling with the cab driver was cut out.

One day last year, esteemed economics professor, Earth Institute demigod, and Angelina Jolie BFF Jeffrey Sachs entered Lerner and received the red-light treatment when he tried to swipe his card. Miffed that he lacked swipe access, he approached the desk attendant and said, "Hi, I'm here for a meeting." The attendant barked, "Name please?" He responded: "Jeffrey Sachs."

---

AND YOU THOUGHT COLLEGE WOULD BE DIFFERENT

In late March of last year, the senior class received the following email from Student Affairs:

"Due to the volume of emails and phone calls from disappointed parents whose children did not sit for a Senior Portrait, there will be ONE LAST MAKE-UP DAY. If you do not take a portrait you will not appear in the Columbian 2007 yearbook. All students should be sure to have their hair and nails neatly groomed. Flyaway hair, unmanageable ends and wisps cannot be retouched. It is suggested that men shave just before their sitting as Carl Wolf Studio cannot remove a five o'clock shadow."

---

MAGAZINES ARE FOR DOUCHEBAGS

Overheard, Condé Nast cafeteria:
"Jet lag is for poor people."

---

FIRST-YEARS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

Pre-frosh #1: "Could you live in a coed double?"
Pre-frosh #2: "No way. What if you and your roommate started hooking up?"
Pre-frosh #1 (nodding): "Shortest walk of shame ever."
Pre-frosh #2: "More like roll of shame."

Guy: "So, do you..."
Girl: "...think the Columbia Bookstore will be selling Harry Potter books?"
Guy (staring in disbelief): "Uh, yeah."
Girl (shocked): "Wow, that was weird."
Guy (after a moment of silence): "So...do you?"

Girl #1: "What is that building?"
Girl #2: "Silly, that's the library."
Girl #1: "Oh, I am dumb."

Girl #2 (excitedly): ...and I was just walking and the sun was shining and my parents weren't there. And it just kind of hit me, like, this is it! I'm here!
Girl #2 (frowning): But...you were downtown.
Girl #1: No, I mean, like, I'm here in college.

Guy: "Okay, do you want Chinese or Japanese?"
Girl: "I don't really care."
Guy: "Let me put it another way, do you want Ollie's or sushi?"
Girl: "Um. Let's just get sushi."

Days on Campus Host: "So, do you guys smoke weed? (Prefrosh look at each other nervously.) "You will."
(Pause)
Prefrosh: "Do you smoke, Kenny?"
Host: "No. I have a collapsed lung."

---

BETCHA CAN'T TAKE JUST ONE!

Just in time for course registration, the staff of the newly minted Creative Writing Department (R.I.P., Creative Writing Program) sent out the following mildly threatening email to potential students.

"Subject: DO NOT REGISTER FOR TWO WORKSHOP CLASSES
It is OK to take 2 seminar classes.
It is NOT OK to take 2 workshop classes.
It is NOT OK to take 2 workshop classes even if they are in different genres.
Be advised that we're making a list, we're checking it twice, and if you've registered for 2 workshops sometime over the summer we will de-register you."

---

YOUR FEDERAL TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

A friend of a B&W staffer recently shared stories of her work-study job in the office of a low-level Barnard administrator. Among other duties, the student was instructed to weed through emails that the administrator received in response to her profile on J-Date, sort the eligible suitors from the not-so, and forward the cute ones on to her boss.

Midway through summer, returning students received an email with an electric-blue background from Dining Services touting the "new and improved" John Jay. Among the advertised improvements include new "servery," a weekly carving station, and a menu chock-full of "more of your favorite foods, like Macaroni and Cheese, Chicken Cacciatore, and a homemade casserole each night of the week!" Oh, and "JJ's will also be selling a new, earth-friendly laundry detergent called Ecover."

As if that wasn't tantalizing enough, a scant few sentences down from the over-zealous touting of the JJ's food co-op, Dining Services betrays its true feelings about locally-grown produce (and possibly grains): "Try a slice of our savory new gourmet pizza, made with fresh flour and tomatoes straight from Italy!" Because nothing's too good for our freshmen!

---

Japan Japan Japan "FRIES"?

Curly-haired, overweight boy (voice muffled by fries): "How do they make these fries so good? So... crispy?"
Red-headed girl: "They're like, tempura."
Ambiguously Asian girl (nodding with conviction): "Yeah."

Five minutes later...
Asian girl: "Can I have another fry? Sorry I'm taking, like, all your fries."
Red-headed girl (suppressing rage): "No, it's totally fine! I don't even know why I got these! I wasn't even hungry!"

---

PETITION WARFARE

While President Bollinger was making bold statements against academic boycotts overseas, a minor scandal was brewing on our side of the pond over Barnard assistant anthropology professor Nadia Abu El-Haj's 2001 book, Facts on the Ground, which disputed Israel's historical claims to its territory. The online "Deny Nadia Abu El-Haj" tenure petition quickly garnered 1,715 signatures—Steins and Bergs predominated—while the "Grant Nadia Abu El-Haj Tenure" petition—including many more Ahmads and Habibs—lagged behind at 1,088.

Last semester's Lit Hum cheating scandal (in which one particular section leader showed her students the final exam ahead of time, resulting in its widespread dispersal among first-years) did not, as many had expected, result in the firing of the embattled faculty member responsible for the leak. Instead, Wen Jin, an assistant professor in the department of English and Comparative Literature, is back at Columbia this fall with a vengeance—according to the directory of classes, her section of Asian American Literature and Culture has "28 students as of 12:48AM Saturday, August 25, 2007."

Overheard on SSOL:
Slacker 1: "Why'd you register for her section?"
Slacker 2: "You know. Easy A."

---

Over the summer, the phalanxes of Korean bible-thumpers that perpetually canvas campus were replaced—temporarily, we hope—by a traveling circuit of Southern Baptists. Reportedly, this group migrates from campus to college campus, engaging all whom they meet in dialogue about Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. A B&W staffer found herself a participant in the following dialogue:

Christian: "On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your desire to know God?"
Heathen: "Zero."
Christian: "Oh...well, zero isn't on the scale."
Heathen: "Let's go with one then."
Christian: "Oh, gee. Wow."

---

NSOP...it's over!

As the debate on the use of laptop computers in the classroom rages on, and rumors abound about a school-wide ban at Barnard next year, thirty-something computer science professor Adam Cannon gives his two cents to his Java Programming class:

"When I was in school we didn't have laptops! We didn't have legs, we had stumps!"

---

Overheard in Wien:

Girl: "I can't get used to these showers, they're just...just so gross."
Boy: "I know, they look like gas chambers. This whole place feels like Auschwitz."
Girl: "Auschwitz? Hm, I've never been."

---

Earlier this month, a select group of 2007 English majors handed in their 30-40 page Senior Essays, the culmination of a semester's worth of close, intellectual research. According to an allegedly confusing set of directions about handing in the essays, however, many of the sponsoring professors did not receive copies to grade. As a result, Department Administrator Michael Mallick sent a puzzlingly aggressive email to essayists, chastising them for misunderstanding the directions:

"This result reflects poorly on your ability to read closely and comprehend rather simply directives... Without sufficient time to read your essay, it is possible that your failure to follow directions will result in your failure to receive honors, perhaps a failure to receive a writing prize, perhaps even a failure in the course.

"I urge you to act immediately. I further urge you not to email me... I do not have the time to respond to individual protestations, rationalizations, fantastic explanations, and the like. If you feel you must vent some misguided feeling of having been somehow led astray, then please direct your arguments to Prof. Rosenthal. I am too busy at the moment preparing materials for the fall semester to deal with this mess, which is not, in any case, my responsibility. I am acting solely now as a messenger, not a judge, nor am I an arbitrator. If you've taken offense at my straightforward tone, apologies—I'm as befuddled as your sponsors at your failure to comply with uncomplicated directives; unlike your sponsors, I have no interest in any explanations—it is to your sponsors and, if you wish, Prof. Rosenthal that you should speak. But I'd save the breath and act fast instead.

MM"

---

APPLIED ETHICS

Barnard Philosophy Professor Frederick Neuhouser, in a move that would make the students of honor-code obsessed Haverford proud, sent the following email to students in his Kant class:

Dear Students,

Andreja and I forgot to penalize the Kant papers that were handed in late. In total, five papers were handed in late, but I can only remember whose papers these were in three of the five cases. If you turned your paper in to me after 5 pm on Feb. 22, can you let me know? Sorry for the slip-up.

---

Barnard Latin American Literature professor Alfred MacAdam is a renowned Spanish scholar and translator. He is also a certifiably eccentric man in his 60's who wears a hearing aid and cowboy boots to class, asks his students to deliver final papers to the doorman of his apartment building, has a very small dog that he always seems to be walking in Riverside Park, and says things like this:

On the Pros and Cons of Morningside: "Havana Central? I'm hoping that place fails miserably so this neighborhood gets what it really needs—a place that sells underwear and socks! A hamburger I can get anytime—what I can't always get, when the wash fails, is a pair of underpants! But seriously, I'm sincerely hoping that place implodes. What we really need is a Gap. You want a burger? We already have Tom's! Oh, you've been to Tom's? You live to tell the tale! [snorts] Tom's..."

On Wikipedia: "For God's sake, please don't embarrass yourself and quote Wikipedia...just make sure you're using an actual source and not some stoned graduate student in Illinois. You don't know what you're getting off there."

On why Symposium is worse than Le Monde: "It's off the beaten track. You can't always be sure if your clients will like Greek food, whereas at Le Monde, you have a panoply of choices. You can have a salad. You can have a ladies' lunch, which consists of....a diet coke and a salad. Sometimes followed by too many candy bars, but uh—anyway, that was unnecessary."

---

A sign outside Butler for a psych study:

"Do you suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder and live in or around New York City?"

---

In early April, just as unattached students were facing new heights of desperation in the search for summer work, a research internship became available with the film For Love and Honor, "a feature-length documentary about the history and importance of Ivy League football." The listing for the position, which was posted on Craigslist, was also sent out to the appropriate email aliases at NYU—but not at Columbia, despite the fact that they listed esteemed alumnus Brian Dennehy, C'60, as one of the foci of the film.

---

Dan O'Flaherty in Urban Economics:

"Many people can drive drunk better than I can drive sober."

"Things that are bad for productivity: comfortable chairs, beds, sex, TV, good books. All of these are responsible for far more loss of productivity than drugs and alcohol. Should we ban them? Tax them?"

"The best people to rob are the people who aren't going to report the crime, carry around a lot of cash, and a lot of very small very valuable things. Who is it that you want to rob? Drug dealers of course!"

---

Traffic cop to woman in Subaru station wagon, pulled over near campus: "You're telling me you don't understand how to drive in the city? Yeah? Well I'm telling you you're BREAKING THE FUCKING LAW!"

---

WE SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT THEY PUT IN THE BURRITOS

One fateful April day, a couple of vegetarian students were seen in John Jay discovering, halfway through their meal, that the "vegan pasta soup" they had been served contained chunks of beef.

---

KILL 'EM WITH KINDNESS

Overheard at Days on Campus:

Pre-frosh: Do you have a lot of friends here?

Freshman: No. I don't talk to anyone. (Pause) But I'll talk to you if you come next year

---

TOO SOON

Barnard History Prof. Lisa Tiersten, in her class European History Since 1789, showing a video of an obviously bombed-out Hiroshima:

"I can't really tell if this is before or after."

---

Class Day credibility...it's Lost!

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT, ENLIGHTENMENT REMIX:

Overheard in Professor Fred Neuhouser's Kant lecture:

Student: "What would happen if you just had an intuition of Lassie?"

Neuhouser: "Without Rin Tin Tin or Spot? Nothing. There's no knowledge there. What were you thinking?"

Two Orthodox Jewish girls were seen mounting treadmills in Dodge gym one night at about 11:45 p.m. Each was wearing an ankle-length black skirt over sweatpants, and, within five minutes, burdened by her cumbersome attire, one had tripped, struck her face on the moving belt, and fallen on the floor. Her friend, startled, turned her head to look, only to trip herself and land on top of the other.

A recent visit to the Business School revealed that Uris Café sells fair-trade, organic coffee.

In related news, the café in Jerome Greene Hall is now selling soul food.

---

IS THIS WHAT THEY MEANT BY CAFÉ FRESH?

Customer to barista: "What do you want to spill on me today: Costa Rican, Guatemalan, Colombian, or House Blend?"

Overheard in an elevator:

Girl 1: "So I was gonna give up soda but no. I need chasers."

Girl 2: "Yeah."

Girl 1: "So I'm gonna give up candy and cookies and..." (a pause, then a gasp!) "...I can't give up brownies!"

Girl 2, after thinking for a second: "Oh, Pssh. No way."

Obviously, these two were impostors. Real Catholics don't need chasers.

---

WISE WORDS FROM THE PARENT OF A LEGACY APPLICANT

Overheard in Lerner:

"I have the perfect life—a nice husband, a nice house—you know, some of the people around me have a little more money, but they really don't have everything like I do. You know, a husband. And kids that are at least tolerably smart."

On a recent Saturday night, students on Furnald 10 were approached by a CU Security guard and asked if they had seen a woman wrapped in white sheets wandering around the floor. Taken by surprise, the residents replied that they had not noticed anything strange, and the guard moved on to the next floor.

Downstairs, about 15 minutes later, security was sighted cuffing a crazed woman wrapped in blankets, being escorted out of the building.

Barnard girls are never going to get flash access that way!

---

On a recent visit to Mudd, a B&W staffer became mesmerized by the looping images displayed on several large flat-screen televisions in the lobby. The succession of images included a man playing the saxophone on the subway, some shadows of Victorian people, a profile of a chess board, and a picture of the Statue of Liberty, all attributed to Prof. Ken Jackson. Rounding out the loop was an informational slide about natural disaster control, a picture of Mt. Everest, and a picture of the Cat's Eye Nebula.

Engineers: Guardians of the future, champions of useless shit.

---

J.SACHS' FIRST-EVER B

The Sustainable Endowments Institute, a group that aims to make college campuses more environmentally friendly, recently released its College Sustainability Report Card, rating the efforts of 100 top institutions by looking at "campus greening practices and endowment policies." Columbia received an overall grade of B, which includes an A in "Food and Recycling" and Cs in "Green Building" and "Investment Priorities." We fare pretty well next to other Universities in the city—NYU gets a C, and Yeshiva gets a pathetic D-minus—although Harvard and Stanford both earned A-minuses, the highest grade given.

One would think the $80 million Earth Institute could get at least a B+/ A-.

---

On a recent Saturday, a supposed vandal defaced the elevator lobby and the inside door of the south elevator in John Jay. Residents received a chastising email from the building's GA: "Although it does not look like a bias incident at this point, we are looking very closely into the incident as to who may be responsible. If you have any information as to who the perpetrator(s) may have been, please let myself or any of the RAs know. This is a serious matter, and one which will not go unresolved. I personally have zero tolerance for vandalism in John Jay of any kind, and will push for immediate consequences for this type of behavior. Please be aware that if you have visitors staying in John Jay, you are directly responsible for their behavior while they are present in our community."

Upon closer inspection, however, residents noticed that the graffiti was not only reasonably inoffensive, but almost unnoticeable, consisting only of some sharpie-marker doodles and the letters "KER FDA." Overheard on the elevator: "Oh, is that it? I wouldn't have ever seen it if it wasn't for the email."

---

The HPV vaccine... it's a girl thing!

An unscientific study recently conducted by a B&W staffer revealed that on eight out of nine visits to Cafe 212, the loudspeaker was playing Gwen Stefani's recent album "Love.Angel.Music.Baby." Gwen might say that shit is bananas (b-a-n-a-n-a-s).

But, according to the menus at 212, that shit is Dwight D. Eisenhower Bananas! (It tastes great with an Alexander Hamilton Mexicali Roast Beef.)

***

A middle aged man with an absolutely enormous moustache was spotted walking down College Walk, his pockets and messenger bag full of acorns and pecans.

Every time he saw a squirrel, he knelt down, made eye contact, and gave the animal a nut. Then he'd smile and move on. He did this three times between the gates and the sundial alone.

See what happens when you mistreat adjunct professors? They go...nuts!

****

An email from the CU Arts Initiative contained the following paean:

"Václav Havel's seven-week residency has come to an end. And then—maybe it hasn't... Experiencing Havel—like seeing Picasso's 'Guernica,' or hearing your favorite love song—is something that lives inside you, all the more powerful for being impossible to quantify."

By dwelling in our hearts, Havel now joins the ranks of Santa Claus, Jesus Christ, 2pac, Tierno Bokar, and Tinkerbell.

HE'S MORE OF A JESSICA SIMPSON GUY

After explaining Foucault's notions of genealogy and power/knowledge during his lecture "History, Hermeneutics, and the Human Sciences," Professor of Philosophy Taylor Carman took questions from the class. An excerpt:

Girl: So I'm walking down the street and I look at a newsstand and I'm always thinking about Britney Spears, but it's not a conscious thing...so that's power?

Prof. Carman: Well, that's not an explanda, because I'm never thinking about Britney Spears.

---

On the morning of November 19, at about 2 a.m., a B&W staffer witnessed Columbia students taking the Iliad a bit too seriously at Koronets. A littler guy started picking on a taller guy and things escalated until punches were thrown, rendering one guy with a possible broken nose and another bleeding from his mouth. They then went outside and proceeded to try and throw one another into traffic, almost succeeding when a rogue cab came flying down the road and came close to hitting one of them. One group then tried to leave the scene, while the other belligerent group followed them up the sidewalk and every so often engaged in more fisticuffs in front of Duane Reade, Pertutti and other local vendors.

All hail Columbia, School of Champions!

---

AND WE THOUGHT OUR SHIT DIDN'T STINK

From a notice posted in Butler library:

"Odors may linger in the restrooms."

---

One sunny autumn day, a B&W staffer witnessed a groundskeeper digging around in the bushes by Low, rake in hand. It seemed he was trying to clear out some of the underbrush, but he was also pulling out pieces of garbage. Suddenly, he mournfully exclaimed, "ONION!" And, lo, a whole, clean onion rolled out from under the bush and onto the bricks. The Onion King has responded by holding three shrubs hostage until Columbia returns his only son.

---

THE PRICE OF ROCKING LIKE A HURRICANE

Overheard in Hamilton:

Female 1: "So what are you going to talk about?"

Female 2: "What's there to talk about? The weather? Craigslist prostitution? That's all that I have on my mind these days."

---

STRUCTURE AND STYLE: THE ART OF WAR

Writing Department Professor Scott Snyder, in an e-mail to his S&S II class:

"So we have a reading! We're going to read w/Owen King's Structure and Style I class on Thursday of next week... and we're going to DESTROY them!!!"

---

POP YOUR COLLAR AND MAKE IT GLOW

A few weeks ago, the Center for Career Education sent around an e-mail with a list of employers who would be sending representatives to campus to discuss career opportunities. On back-to-back days: the US Department of Energy National Nuclear Security and Abercrombie & Fitch.

---

ARE YOU THERE, JIM? IT'S US, THE BLUE AND WHITE.

After publishing a cover article on the Minutemen in last month's issue of The Blue and White, we received the following e-mail:

"You wrote quite a thorough story. However, it was too much propaganda and too little truth... Now, if Columbia's anti-first amendment, book burning clubs (Chicano Caucus, I.S.O., etc.) had the patience just a bit higher than socially maladroit jihadist barbarians, they could have ... made a valid and honest conclusion about what The Minuteman Project really is all about. Hanging the innocent is not a pathway to higher education.

Cheers,
Jim Gilchrist, Founder - The Minuteman Project (BAJ, BSA, MBA, CPA)"

The Blue and White was unable to confirm whether it really was Mr. Gilchrist, and did not try to confirm whether or not he actually had all those certifications. But, Jim, if this really is you, don't be like this. Let's talk about it over a couple cervezas.

---

GOSSIP IN BAD TASTE

When someone asked the website Yahoo! Answers about the caloric content of the "average load of jism," Barnard's Well Woman health service helpfully provided the answer: 5-10 calories per tablespoon.

Next question: how many times can you successfully mumble "Yahoo!" without laughing while holding three tablespoons of semen in your mouth?

---

According to a November 28 article in New York's Daily Intelligencer, real estate agents are calling the area between Morningside Heights and West Harlem "NoCo," as in "north of Columbia University."

Related overheard, backstage at Orchesis: "We can't have the afterparty in her room. She lives in WestCo."

---

MUST BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD

When a couple of students tried to unsubscribe to the listserv for Toward Reconciliation, Columbia's "Undergraduate International Affairs and Conflict Resolution Society," they made the fatal mistake of e-mailing the entire group to express their desire. This led other members with irreconcilable differences to reveal themselves, peaking when one student kindly asked, "Please, people, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, UNSUBSCRIBE ME from this stupid e-mail serve IMMIDIATELY [sic]."

Countered by: "Look, I know that you all are incredibly upset and shaken up over being on this listserv...You probably immediately call your family attorneys..."

As cyber-intifada raged, one wise soul sagely advised, "I propose that we all meet up and get drunk together to consolidate this!"

But peace was not in sight. "I'm pretty sure that your use of the word 'consolidate' makes absolutely no sense," a cyber-warrior wrote. "Not to say that makes you a retard or anything."

Toward reconciliation, indeed.

---

SHATTERED GLASS HOUSE

Since it appears that at least part of Dodge Gym will have to close during the impending construction of the new science center on the northwest end of campus, the University is looking for places to move the gym equipment temporarily. It was initially suggested that the empty space on the sixth floor of Lerner be used, although the plan was soon nixed when a team of "experts" revealed that the building might not be structurally sound enough to support the weight of all those treadmills.

---

Orange juice...it's calcium-fortified!

And now, a look at some of the more illustrious job titles of some of our more illustrious faculty.

Department of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt:

• Robert Somerville—Ada Byron Bampton Tremaine Professor of Religion
• Ponisseril Somasundaran—LaVon Duddleson Krumb Professor of Mineral Engineering
• Walter M. Frisch—Harold Gumm/Harry and Albert von Tilzer Professor of Music

Department for the Journey to the Center of the Earth:

• Tuncel M. Yegulalp—Professor of Mining

Department of Longwindedness:

• Paul J. Anderer—Wm. Theodore and Fanny Brett de Bary and Class of 1941 Collegiate Professor of Asian Humanities and Vice Provost for International Relations
• Gareth D. Williams—Violin Family Professor in the Core Curriculum at Columbia University
• Jeanne Brooks-Gunn—Virg. and Leo. Marx Prof. of Child and Parent Dev.Ed., College of Physicians and Surgeons, Columbia University

Department of Redundancy Department:

• Richard K. Betts—Leo A. Schifrin Professor of War and Peace Studies and Arnold A. Saltzman Professor of War and Peace Studies
• Charles Armstrong—The Korea Foundation Associate Professor of Korean Studies in the Social Sciences

Department of Multitasking:

• Joy Hirsch—Professor of Radiology, Neurobiology, and Behavior, and Psychology

The Department of Leave it to Beaver:

• Alice Kessler-Harris—R. Gordon Hoxie Professor of American History in Honor of Dwight D. Eisenhower
• Linda V. Green—Armand G. Erpf Professor of the Modern Corporation
• Franklin R. Edwards—Arthur F. Burns Professor of Free and Competitive Enterprise

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Overheard, in anticipation of former President Clinton's upcoming on-campus conversation with man of the moment Václav Havel:

Girl 1: "I am going to the Clinton thing and I am planning on having sex with him."

Girl 2: "I bet he's good."

IT'S JUST LIKE CLEARING BRUSH.

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RESOLVED: ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY REDUCES GRADE INFLATION

Overheard on College Walk, a 30-something woman to her small child:

"Alex, if you don't come back here right now you cannot sleep with teddy tonight! I'll take him away!"

"You can't do that!"

"I will take teddy away! I don't have time for this! I have to do my Econ problem set!"

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YOU CAN'T WIN A NOBEL PRIZE IN EVERYTHING

Overheard at the Sundial:

"This school is nothing—my sister started doing coke at fourteen."

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INTERMEDIATE FENCING

At 11 p.m. one night in front of Radio Perfecto, a grad student dressed in all white and standing in front of his waiting limousine was seen smoking and talking to a middle-aged man. "Listen man," he said, "you're the one who said you wanted me to kill you." Responded the gentleman, while flailing an oversized plastic sword: "I'm not afraid to die! I'm not afraid to die! I'm not afraid to die!"

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On a Sunday night during the height of midterms, a girl was observed pushing a boy full-speed down the Lerner ramps in a K-Mart shopping cart as he screamed like a small child on a rollercoaster. As they enjoyed the social interactions that the ramps were designed to facilitate, everyone else in the building looked about ready to kill them.

When pressed to justify their actions, the students apologized, explaining that Barney's doesn't have shopping carts.

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The graduate student lounge for art history, located on the sixth floor of Schermerhorn, has two doors. There is a sign on each. The first sign reads as follows: "Do not use this door, use the other door." The second sign reads "Door knob broken, use other door." The second doorknob is not actually broken.

Confused grad students, failing to notice this last fact, have been covertly consulting battered copies of The Da Vinci Code for the past week, determined to find a way in.

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A reasonably well-aged woman who was spotted driving her black sedan up to the Amsterdam gate rolled down her window and yelled: "Excuse me! I don't have my glasses! What street is this?!"

Aren't GS students adorable?

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A B&W staffer returned from the gym, swiped into McBain, and made his way to the elevator. While waiting for it to reach the ground floor, he slyly took a step back in order to observe himself in the large panel mirror. After making sure that the security guard was looking in the other direction, he began to flex his freshly-pumped biceps. A few seconds later, he heard the sound of a woman's voice. "Don't worry, honey. I noticed the difference."

The staffer looked back to see the female guard watching him on the security camera's feed. The elevator arrived, and he jumped in, but not before awkwardly responding: "Thank you, ma'am."

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Barnard's yearbook, The Mortarboard, sent out an e-mail this month to all current seniors reminding them to have their senior portraits taken. When students called the supposed number to the portrait studio, however, they were connected with a phone sex line. The message: "I'm so glad you called. Me and my horny girlfriends can't wait to get down and dirty with you."

Barnard students rejoiced. Get it?! Because they're lesbians!!!

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During a recent class taught by esteemed Professor of English Edward Mendelson, students were surprised when he entered the lecture hall, told them that he had not prepared a lesson, and that he was "just gonna wing it." The subsequent class on H.G. Wells' Tono Bungay involved anecdotes and commentary repeated from earlier lectures, plus numerous negative comments about the book's annotator—who was, in fact, Mendelson himself. After about an hour of winging it, Mendelson allowed his students to wing it as well—right out of class, fifteen minutes early.

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Strokos...it's forgotten!