A motley band representing Philolexian Society cell CRUSHP (a one-syllable shortening of the Committee for Rectifying the Unphilolexian Sneaky Hipster Problem) has gathered on the Sundial and is hurling insults at passing hipsters. Hipsters, thus far, have not been too affected, because the catcalls are still quieter than the Norwegian middle school-themed songs blasting on their iPods.

For all the hipster-haters out there seeking oneliners, CRUSHP's finer slogans include "no label, no talent!" and "their new album is better than their first!" Manhattanville expansion opponents might appropriate the chant, "What do we want? Sincerity! When do we want it? Now!" And they would surely ask CRUSHP's permission before taking it for themselves.

In the interest of honest journalism, Bwog has been debating among itself all morning whether it has been infiltrated by too many hipsters to cover this story without bias. Indeed, Bwog may have been the target of a CRUSHPer hollering "skinny jeans reduce your sperm count." Bwog was only semi-hurt, as this correspondent would prefer to keep her sperm count low.

More photos after the jump

Once upon a Thursday dreary, into Hillel I wandered weak and weary and heard many a piece of dreadful lore...

The 22nd Annual Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest had many moments, ranging from hilarity to mediocrity to...is that Umbrella in Latin? Whether it was Columbia Blue balls from the window to the wall or a scientific explanation of Paradiso or a dissertation of the lovability of your cat rendered in fourth grade, readings were intense and poetry was by all means bad.

The night was kicked off by Thomas Vinciguerra, the very same Columbian that, 21 years before, kicked off the original Bad Poetry Contest in John Jay lounge and helped revive the Philolexian Society after years of dormancy. A consequence of the contest's popularity has been to attract not only geezers (Philo alums) back to Morningside Heights but also several members of University of Pennsylvania's Philomathean Society.

It's that time of year - when the members of Philo quit jabbering and actually write something down. Surgam, the result of their efforts, gets the (very) quick treatment, below (all links head to the same PDF).

Best of the Bad Poetry Contest (pp. 4 - 12)

Half of a Story Called "Hooke's Law": The Only New Thing in the Magazine (p. 12)

UPDATE: You can find the first half of the aforementioned story in an earlier issue of Philo's magazine.

It seems like everyone is on the lookout for something this week, including....

• Philo's flag. As of the Philolexian Society's last gathering, the group's beloved banner has been MIA (pictured below). Philo president Michelle Pentecost gives us the details:
  
  "The flag was last seen at our April 12 meeting in the Satow Room on the 5th floor of Lerner. We have checked with the lost and founds in both Lerner and Low and spoken to Lerner facilities, and now we turn to you. The flag is a large Columbia blue cloth with the Philo seal (containng the word Surgam and the date 1802 on it)... If anyone has seen the flag or has any information regarding this, PLEASE contact the Philo Board at philo@columbia.edu."
  
  They're promising it's not any Jester-esque prank, either -- so c'mon now CUSJ, for real this time. Cough it up.
  

• A CCSC Director of Technology. You too can be part of the CCSC magic, instilled with the power of technology. Outgoing chief Seth Flaxman gives us the following announcement:
  
  "Want to get involved in CCSC? Enjoy making websites? The council has created a new position: the Director of Technology. The DOT will be an appointed CCSC member for the academic year 2007 - 2008. The DOT will be expected to attend the weekly CCSC meeting (every Sunday @ 8pm) and be responsible for all technology related CCSC work, including creating and updating the CCSC website. If you are interested in applying for the position, we ask that you e-mail the link to a website you have created to Michelle Diamond @ mnd2102@columbia.edu. Please send the e-mail blurb to Michelle by Monday, May 7th. The board as a whole will vote on the website we like best and contact everyone by May 18th."
  
  (Because in reality, CCSC's got nothing on ESC without a DOT. Besides, someone's really got to get that thing out of 1999.)

• Random papers. It's Eclectica Esoterica submission time again! Send your off-the-wall or otherwise fascinating academic epistles (any subject, any length) to eclecticaesoterica@gmail.com. They're looking for doodles too.
  

Behold Surgam, the literary magazine of the Philolexian Society. It was scheduled to come out in February, we hear, but the mail room lost it, so here's a PDF. (All the links are the same.)

A timely shoutout to decorum and sangria (pg. 1)

Sapphic? (pg. 6-7)

Rushdie's wife is pretty hot, isn't she (pg. 8-9)

An excerpt from the Kilmer Awards (pg. 11)

Part one of a serialized story. The excitement mounts! (pg. 12-13)

The Philolexian Society's 21st Annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest announced their winners! The winning poem goes to "Psalm" by Yonah Lemonik, CC '08 and the first runner's up goes to "Leftovers" by Jonah Bloch-Johnson CC '08 (as "Phillip Hutchinson") and Phyllis Ma CC '09.

Since Bwog is in the mood for wishing hearty Congratulations (and using too many exclamation points), Congratulations to Yonah, Jonah, and Phyllis! Your bad verse is an inspiration!

Thanks to Raza for the tip!

Read the poems after the jump.

In which Bwog correspondent Hannah Goldfield discovers the delights of poetry taken unseriously.

"I have one about bestiality, to the tune of 'Son of a Preacherman', but I don't want to be that bestiality girl!" said a distressed young woman as the elevator door closed and we began our ascent to the James Room on the fourth floor of Barnard Hall Thursday night. She looked up at her male companion, who towered over her. "Can I stand behind you while I read it?"

"Sure," he replied. "But then I'll be that bestiality girl." And thus the tone was set, for this reporter at least, for the Philolexian Society's 21st Annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest.

Some background: Alfred Joyce Kilmer, Class of '08 (1908, that is) and member of the Philolexian Society, was a popular poet in the early part of the 20th century. His best-known poem, Trees, can be read here. In 1985, Tom Vinciguerra, C'85, as part of his revival of Philo after roughly 30 years of dormancy, organized the first bad poetry contest in honor of esteemed alum Kilmer. Vinciguerra now serves as "avatar" of Philo and this year sat as a judge alongside Professors Erik Gray of the English Department and Elizabeth Scharffenberger of Classics.

The large room was packed, the dress code called for eveningwear, apparently (I didn't get the memo), and spirits were high as the meeting was called to order. Anyone can participate in the contest, just by showing up—bad poem in hand, pride checked at the door—but be forewarned: if you do show up, either as poet or spectator, you have just earned yourself a lifetime Philo membership, whether you like it or not.

Are they for real? We're not quite sure. But the Philolexian Society does meet every Thursday, and they are quite serious about what they discuss--last night, whether humans or whales should be saved. Bwog Philo correspondent Josh Schwartz has this report.

When all was said and done, the resolution failed, leaving the whales free and safe.... for now.